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I’m sorry I couldn’t be there in person to accept my award, but I am busy spending
my league prize money skiing this weekend. Besides, my agent and doctor have advised
me that visiting the End of Season Party might be hazardous to my health.
Nonetheless, I couldn’t resist sending a little message to each of you, so here goes.
Let’s start right at the bottom, the league Cellar Dweller who managed just two
wins all season. Vince, do you realize that in the NFL with even two extra games only
one team – the Bungles - had more losses than you?!?! Vince, the only thing worse than
your horrendous effort this season was your pitiful prediction on October 31. Quote -
this almost guarantees I'll finish last, giving FRED the right to name my team next
year – unquote. I should jump on the opportunity to rename your team after that
comment, but it’s going to be hard to resist working out a deal with Fred so that I can
instead rename Brian’s team.
Speaking of Brian… could somebody please hand him a tissue or even a Terrible or AKA
Crying Towel? As if his War Eagles weren’t already bad enough, he has nothing to
celebrate today since his Squeelers are sitting home dreaming of what might have been.
I had the pleasure of watching their loss to Tennessee in Squeeler-Country. The only
thing better would’ve been to watch it with Brian. I could harass Brian all day, but
I’ll save the energy for renaming his team.
Let’s move on to Matt. I had to chat with Randy about this part because I really
don’t have any deep issues with Matt. But Randy reminded me how seriously Matt takes
this stuff. He spends hours upon hours preparing for the draft, updating the website,
making all kinds of trades, etc., etc., etc…. only to see his highest paid team choke,
lose the last three games, and sit out the playoffs. But I did find one thing very
interesting about Matt. Ironically enough, he just happens to be one of the
commissioners. AND, ironically enough when we expand next season Matt has bailed out
of our division and moved to a division with Brian and two expansion teams. Hmmm…
here I thought Tagliabue was a shady commissioner.
Let’s move on to Liz. The one who laughed at me for bidding $26 on Brett Favre.
Liz refused to bid against me, but instead had to wheel and deal to get Favre via trade.
I guess his butt was cuter than you realized on draft day Liz? Liz in case you haven’t
already learned this, beating Vince is just the first step in owning a successful
fantasy football team. The second step is to reach mediocrity!
Speaking of mediocrity that brings me to Rich. Rich, who is the one team that we
laughed at all season? Who made more waiver claims than probably the rest of the league
combined? You see, it’s kinda like the how I feel about the Squeelers. The Ravens could
go 2-14, and it would still be a successful season if those two wins were against the
Squeelers. Rich, you lost to RANDY in the playoffs and he wasn’t even supposed to be
there! That’s embarassing.
Speaking of embarassing… Randy you are embarrassing. Dr. Guru should be fired. You
should be fired. How long did you last in the draft before you could only get $1
players?! How many Detroit Lions were you starting this season?! How much were you
paying Warner for each of his interceptions? All season long you bashed my team, and
even predicted you’d knock me out of the playoffs. I’m seeing a trend here with the
owners getting high. I’m also seeing a trend here for when Randy and I meet in big games.
Whenever we’ve met in the playoffs – dating back to the days of GrandSlam Baseball,
Sandbox Baseball, Ravens-Dolphins, and now here… which team is always off smoking weed
instead of showing up for the big game? Thank you. Enough said.
And finally… Fred, and what will probably be the most overrated team ever in the history
of the Free Nate Newton Fantasy League. My players have byes, my players are hurt, wah,
wah, wah… Deal with it. Injuries and byes are part of the NFL just like poor trading.
What the heck were you thinking? Jamal Lewis and Ricky Williams for Terrible Owens and
Injurred James. I was trying to work out a deal with Randy, but your trade giving up those
stars helped me more than if I would’ve gotten Terrible Owens myself. Fred, make up your
mind. Are running backs important or not?! Back in October, when you were probably off
smoking with Vince and Nate, you said quote - luck will not take you through the season.
Running backs take you through. Not kickers, not tight ends, running backs. I will make a
bold prediction. Not only will you lose this week, but Lindy Hoppers will win your division
– unquote. Nope Lindy Hoppers finished last in MY division, I handed your team three of its
four losses including the Superbowl, and yes Brian the Shitsburgh Squeelers are sitting home
today. Ain’t life wonderful?!
Pam and Jeff, if you’re there, welcome to the league. Be assured you’re in the easiest
division of the league and one of you will end up winning it. To Randy and Liz, I look
forward to watching down on you from the top of my division. And to the Prison Letters
Division, I look forward to meeting you (hopefully Fred) again in the playoffs next season.
I’ll see you all for Draft Weekend in May and in particular draft day –
Purple Sunday!
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